whooo! an intellectual rush
Friday, March 31, 2006
♥ Friday, March 31, 2006
had my 24 click over the past wk. OK, i can go into how this route march is like life, walking and tripping, getting up, encouraging each other and so on..but there's a certain part of me thats like cynical of making 'statements of life' such as this, so well, i shant.
What instead happened, was a little miracle. I believe i am slowly making my peace with God. Remmeber few blogs back? The one abt anger, and how rhetoric the qn of what anger was, was? Tts the one. Over the wks, the blog acted like a prophecy, fulfilling itself as how i mentioned- i simply got deeper. But hey, the 24 click, i knew there was hell to go through. (Just cant imagine doing 32 at this pt in time) and i decided to use it as a little agenda for lent.
the little agenda for lent. To go through the march, enduring, and purifying. So i asked God, "you use this to change me". OK not exactly that, but something to that effect.
So, well, the tripping over, the sprained ankle, the seemingly endless route, the "hol-lan-ing"(which means we got lost, in erm..hokkien?), the naggin to hurry, the bloody gravel, the slopes- there really is alot of things to bitch if one wants to. But in the end, i found myself slowly coming to peace. Peace with God & myself.. its not a complete one, if there's such a thing. But, yes, there is this weight of anger off my shoulders. Its adversity that keeps us routed to the ground, telling us that we exist. Milan Kundera taught me that, in his "Unbearable Lightness of Being".
i meant to talk about my birthday, but i decided against it.
Lets talk something interesting. Identity. This word puzzles me, really. The ' who i am', the 'what makes me, me', each person's search for a unique and precious and irreplacable place in this whole big world. In army, your identity actulaly lies with yourself being a mere statistic. A soldier like any other, a man among many- a nobody. But, hey, if i could make that statement of someone thats nobody, of no obvious identity, one should assume that i have a concrete understanding of what a person with identity
is. Thats language isnt it? You speak, as you comprehend. Nevertheless, identity still lies in a state of bewilderment.
There will be people who say its the events, the crap you been through that make you, you. Your character, your soul, whatever. Moral philosophers, their idea of conscience closely intertwined with the soul, the choices one make, that make one, who he or she is. Of course, that makes sense. Atheists will tell you, you exist, to exist. No purpose. You live to die. To them, its not cynicism, its a fact. Cynicism is living life as if there is something to live for. ( Thats them..). I say, to each his own, to each his own.
Oscar wilde's a homosexual. He wrote Picture of Dorian Grey. It was ironically he's best book, and the book used to testify against his 'sexual preferences'. He's super philosophical, and i believe one of the reasons why he indulged in acts of sodomy and other queer actions lie in his belief of a hedonistic life. The posession of beauty, of pleasure, maketh the man. Im not thoroughly well informed about this, but its on what i know. So, identity wise- well, he sure took up a form hasnt he? He's brilliant, a great author and thinker, a weird guy( based on the culture in htose days)..he's this and he's that. But, is
that him? Everyone make choices and then they regret. Everyone understands certain things, only to have a more profound idea and comprehesion of it later. Everyone changes in their way of seeing and doing things. We mature. We become. We evolve. Then, there is that certain priniciples and rules we adhere to. Rules governed by culture, stemming from the way things should and shouldnt run. Conditioning. thats the word. And we carry on..with culture, political philosophies, our little niche and homes..and then we ask the question we asked ourselves the first time we look into a mirror- is
that me??
The picture of Dorian Grey deals with this. That everyone has a beauty, a facade, an appearance. That, we think is identity. What is, however, is the picture we keep in a closet. The picture that fades and ages and degenerates and becomes hideous with each unforgiveness, each anger, each sin, each pride, each whatever. The picture we refuse to show otehrs and ourselves. The pictures we show the priest, ( possibly, if ever) in a confessional. The picture that tells us we've been victimes of for the worse, rape, molest, injustice, abuse.., for the slightly less tormented, victims of accuse, misunderstandings, rejection. Its the blemishes that makes our picture, ugly. The blemishes of life, that some say moulds our character. Thats a glimpse of what identity is. There is more to us. MORE. And its in that incomprehensible, abstract
more that we realise we;re all in one humongous wilderness...and only then, only then, do we really, really find God. Its not intellectual. Its inevitable.
I am intrigued how my platoon mates can actually resort to bullying. If they were 6, i'd understand. But they're 20. then, i realise too, that this
picture i so speak of in the last stanza, was something very obvious. All we have to do is, see and hear. NOt just gloss over a person's life via a sharing, but to really, listen. People show themselves, their ugly portraits- its a matter of time. And in this case of my platoon, the obsession with this particularly small sized fella, shows pretty much that everyone, yes everyone is capable of ostracising. The Holocaust, Rwanda, any massacre, any form of racism..is that actualy. To see someone less than your equal. And that, my friends, are yr hideous portraits, out in the open.
Yes, i wont deny that repentance, remorse, recovery, the "re-" s of things exist. Portraits can be re-painted. But whether, we do so, with remorse, is another thing. There's no confession, no wrong being made right, no idea of good and evil outside the sphere of remorse, Moral Philosopher and Professor Raimond Gaita said that. And i agree. You do wrong, its fine. But sure as hell, be damn sorry about it. Its not self righteousness. Self-righteousness haas the potential to bring one into bitterness. And i aint bitter. i am stating all this, proud that i see it in such a light.
There is a God. And he's the painter, and he re-paints. Bring this idea to the world, and we
change it.
Me & my Movies: 2
Friday, March 24, 2006
♥ Friday, March 24, 2006
Now, this blog is written while my aunty is watching a documentary about the early days of the movie world, on the discovery channel. It features " Stallone vs Schwarzenneger". Rocky vs Terminator.. Oscar vs Revolutionary Graphics (Remmeber the liquid guy in T2?).
I am about to make a statement. I am about to mention which are my favourite movies. And the problem with this, is that there is a certain commitment involved. It becomes a certain trait, a sorta shape that im going to take; people are gonna say 'he likes this', and then they're gonna have the flawed assumption that they do know something abt me. :) Somehow, from young, maybe in some childhood 'discovery' thing ( like sex, and vulgarities, and erm... friends?) i began having this mentality that when people can say what they like or dislike, there's a certain 'form' they take under. And in my own indecisive nature, i have long admired this form, this person or this thing that they willingly commit to be. Indecisiveness is the fluidity of the mind and the person. You end up being nothing, floating away in the winds of change, chance, emotions, friends, circumstance, hormones, whatever. So..anyway, down to business, shall we?
Rocky. Sylvester Stallone. I think my dad sorta 'forced' me into watching this when i was a child. Haha, and of course, i longed for solely the action, and got just a little of it. Few months ago, i decided to 'force' myself to grab it- it was oscar winning and all. Best Picture for 1970 soemthing. So, guess it gotta be good. i had
no idea man. At 1970, i think it was the first of all feel good movies- the Genesis of movies like Remmeber the titans, Coach Carter, even Million dollar Baby. It was a simple plot, no doubt. But know what happened? It inspired a nation. The story goes as a low-key boxer, gets a shot at the World Championship..and goes
all the way. Along the way, he's a friend, a lover, a person with a low self esteem, who changes. The soundtrack is fantastic. At that time and age, to come out with somehting like that, was a spectacle in itself. Stallone played out his "italian" character perfectly, having the build, the determination, the co-stars liek Carl Winters (who also starred in PRedator?), to pull it off. A nobody into a somebody..telling everybody, in being the best they can be. A motto im slowly adopting. And the scenes? when they're supposed to be touching..they bring the lump to yr throat, to have you swallow it back down. Thats what i mean by good. When you're watching the movie, you're in. You're each of his characters, and they sinisterly reel you into that circumstance, that victory or that loss, that death and that grief. All were good. At Rocky 5, they even managed to reel me into nostalgia! haha..of the first Rocky at least. u din want it to end...seriously!
Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger, Cuba Gooding Junior, Regina King. Powerful cast in a beautifully crafted movie. Ok, try guessing. Sports Agent. Thown outta the company, gets no one but this bad attitude, pretty talented, family loving, football player. Falls in love with secretary who leaves that same company to join him. Have an adorable,
adorable kid who steals the show. And then..in all failure,the football player makes it BIG. Actutally, the moment i mentioned Sports Agent, you should've guessed: Jerry Maguire. Also Oscar nominated, with Cuba Gooding Jr playing Rod, football player, winning Best Supporting Actor.
NOw, that is an oscar winning performance you dont see everyday. Man, these blacks just know how to make a movie, a movie. He's so intensely humourous, you'd ardy have a solidification of the character that he is, within ten minutes of his entry into the movie! And the movie, is just splendid. The romance, btw Cruise and Zellweger, btw Cruise and Zellweger's "kid", btw Cruise and Cuba (haha trust me, in the show, there
was romance). Everyone displays a chemistry that fits perfectly into their role. This show is a category of its own. Its not feel good..its apparently romantic comedy. And the kid! Remmeber Stuart Little? Ok, i think Jerry Maguire was screened probably 10 years before Stuart Little..but, you know, when you see girls crowding over babies and saying they're
soooooo cute? haha.. erm, i think its something like that. He's different from Macaulay Culkin- he's innocent. He's different from Haley Joel Osment- he's funny. Watch it! Im beggin you. And enjoy what i enjoyed.
Lastly, without a shadow of a doubt, John Woo's Travolta vs Cage, Face Off. Believe me when i say i have watched about 20 over times, this movie. Probably even more. Yes, its a typical police vs terrorist thing. But, hey, its that kinda movie when you watch, you realise its a notch above any, and i mean ANY, action movie you've ever watched. John Woo. They called him the King of Bullets. ( sounds stupid, yes. UNTIL you watch this.) There's so much circularity about the show.. Travolta's Archer losing a kid in the starting 5 mins of the movie, then Cage's Castor Troy losing a brother in the near middle. Then Travolta regaining a child at the last 5 mins..Cage's child. When both stared into a mirror,and you understood that it was the other they were looking at, i thought that scene was just ingenious.
When both characters squared off, there was a something 'sexy' abt how they did it. The way they moved, the dialogue. Yes, the dialogue. In my first entry abt movies, I mentioned that no one plays Evil better than John Travolta. You have to watch the scene when he approached Cage, in the cell. The intimidation, the charisma, the
beauty of his character. Haha, you know, when i was in secondary 2, i watched it so many times i knew the scene by hard, and used it in one of my English essays! haha..i din do too well for it though. Think bad grammar or soemthing. Nicholas Cage also has a talent, to look pained. Seriously. I've never seen a sadder character. you can almost spell 'guilt' and 'sorrow' on his forehead. And yes, you've gotta have the details. I believe he won Best supporting Actor for this.
It started off, just for the action. At 14, haha i think all the value of entertainment lay in how much violence a movie had. And this movie, it was violence to an intriguing degree. All the way, to yesterday, i have watched it, and enjoyed it for the action sequences it has. Its not like Tarantino's Kill Bill- its action entertainment. Not raw, brutal killing, but sleek, suave, slow-motion-to-enchance-intensity, entertainment.
yes, this is my opinion. But for once, let me impose it on you. Watch these 3. And understand why. Why its in my blog. Why its oscar winning. why ppl claim its so good. And for once, witness the miracles and power of moving pictures. And then tell the whole world like i did, the phenomenon movies like Rocky, Jerry Maguire and Face Off are.
Anger
Sunday, March 19, 2006
♥ Sunday, March 19, 2006
What is anger? Is it dis-satisfication? Is it unhappiness? Why do we get angry? A mere influx of neurotic fluids into a certain cerebral hemisphere? Emotions? Is that the same? How do one tell the difference? What
is the difference between anger and sadness, anger and joy, anger and happiness, anger and humour, anger and disappointment? Do one
obtain anger just like one
obtains happiness (if they even do). I am angry. How do i make such a claim? A kinda 'negative flutter' of the heart? Like the opposite of love or happiness or joy? Do we function in such a manner? In the realm of
neutrality? Where everything is a neutral state, because there is a negative to every positive and vice versa. There are anti- electrons and anti-protons for crying out loud! Are there anti-emotions? In the vast universe of possibilities, is anger the negative then or the positive- the deviation of a curve that bounces up or down, makes a trough or a crest?
Descarte taught someone who taught that someone who taught another someone...who ended up teaching my brother, one of this: the infinite regress of doubt. Simply put it, definitions shant and cant exist because in the eyes of a purist, no definition do justice to what a word or words mean. Meaning isnt contained in mere comprehension. And comprehension is a fraction of what things really are. I have an sms in my phone. Its a quote by a french philosopher, " nothing is real that is not eternal". Reality and eternity seems to be binded and only the timeless comprehend all. "To see the world in a grain of sand, and heaven in a wild flower; hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour." Yes, that has a connotation that is absolutely of a divine nature. And anger? Its in one of the 7 deadly sins is it not? Lust, envy, anger, gluttony, greed, sloth..& cant remmeber the last one. I think its pride.
Point of relevance? If the souls' longing of eternity, eternal splendour, eternal serenity is shattered by sins, by Adam's fall, by Eve's betrayal, by the serpent's temptation; If man is banished out of the Garden of Paradise by Sin, and brought into the world of mortality, then sin is the negative of that eternity! Anger, is then, the displacement of a soul's search for eternity. Is that too un-imaginable? I dont believe so. Think about it? When im angry, what happens? There's damage isnt there? The blame, the guilt, the hurt, the sorrows..a vicious cycle that seeminly propagates on mere thoughts.. think about it! After the sorrows..comes the revenge? the anger? Because of blame?? Time stands still when one puts himself in the understanding of Man's greatest gift and curse- choice. Sounds like the Matrix. The Wachowski brothers have an uncanny ability to influence.
This weekend, i was angry. I drowned in that vacuum of anger. More importantly, i chose to be. This blog actually analyzed that for me. Like a mirror, i see my own thoughts, and i see that i no longer am. A wonderful quote from V for Vendetta, " people die, get forgotten... but an idea stays forever." So i died, in that anger and was forgotten. I am given another shot at living, via confession, and i live- an attempt to allow anger to be
solely an idea.
Lt Enriquez
Thursday, March 16, 2006
♥ Thursday, March 16, 2006
This time, no books are involved. I'd love to talk about the one im reading now, but its not done yet..so it kinda doesnt do the book justice.
This one's about my' sir'- noticeably a person who is of a higher authority than me, & in this case, in the army. Tomorrow, i am heading down to Meritus Mandarin to make a reservation for the entire platoon: its Lt Enriquez's farewell dinner/ lunch. I think the amazing thing about farewells is that people begin digging up an entire history only to realise a relationship that have come to exist over this span of time is about to take a somewhat drastic turn. So, here it goes...
Probably 2 years down, if this blog's still existing and one actually manage to look all the way back to this entry, you'd actually get a sense of nostalgia. But, thats 2 years.
I am grateful for an in-charge like this one. For one, he have loosened the deep stigma i had of officers, particularly because of BMT: the obscene demand of respect via punishment. Needless to say, you earned your respect. And i dont stand alone making such a statement. Perhaps this is the first instance when i can proudly say that i have come to acknowledge authority, without needing to despise it first. See, when people say that 1 man's freedom fighter is stronger than 10 soldiers, they're trying to make the relative comparison between people who believe and people who dont. And for one, i see the platoon having that certain spirit: not just to fight, but to fight for; and that, people is leadership.
When one discusses certain absolutes, good & evil for example, and then when they discuss certain traits, leadership and creativity for instance, one inevitably requires an epitome: a representation of that attribute, to its utmost accuracy for a lucid understanding mentally, and possibly emotionally. And from my own experiences, also on holding a few offices as a kid, i cant say that there were many occasions when i managed to see such 'representations'. So, hey the guy aint perfect, not as a leader, no. But for what leadership demands: the grueling task of organising, planning, executing, liasing, bonding, disciplining, inspiring, & many others that go behind the scenes that i think is mostly political, i think you did pretty well, sir. When i chose to be in a non-commanding position of the army, i excused myself claiming that i'd learn leadership from where there wasnt. And strangely i managed to. For i have had the privilege of having you, and thus an epitome of authority.
So, when i say our platoon fights for, i say we have come to hold yr authority, in high esteem. I am heading to Meritus Mandarin.. to book that table, not to say goodbye, but to say thank you.
Me & my Movies
Saturday, March 11, 2006
♥ Saturday, March 11, 2006
This blog's written while my brother is watching Moulin Rouge. Man, Ewan Mcgregor is super talented. I do not remember the composer of the songs sung to be of any high popularity, as compared to Hans Zimmer (remember Deliver Us in Prince Of Egypt? Or Face Off? Or Broken Arrow? Or Batman Begins? Those were by him. Hans Zimmer somehow has an amazing flair to bring out the power in a movie. Soundtrack of Last Samurai...remember
that?) but i loved the Elephant Love Medley, and 'Your Song', the 'remix'.
Today, i am headed to Hong Kong. I guess it doesnt feel as spectacular when you;ve just been to a foreign country a week ago. Hmm..this week's quite a slack one. ok, if anyone's asking whats with the face, basically i fell. Nuff said. Whats on my mind, however are the Oscars.
I'll try to put this to the best of how my memory serves me, so dont take offense to any erm...discrepancies.
I think what actually got me thinking was not so much that it was the season of the Oscars, but just movies in general. There is a certain fascination about movies: i believe there are truths to themes, to the captivation, to the charisma of the actor or actress..etc etc. There are so many things in movies that the term "entertainment" just dont do justice to. I shant bring up movies mentioned in my previous posts la, otherwise not very interesting also.
ok, check out Training Day! Denzel Washington won an Oscar( cant remmeber which year) for Best Actor, in his first 'villain' role. I don exactly know what are the criterion for being a "best actor", but Denzel Washington's character was by far one of the most intense i have ever seen. John Travolta, on the other hand, is un-rivalled as the most charismatic portrayal of evil. Though that is in my perspectives, i doubt many would beg to differ. Check out John Woo's 'Face Off' and 'Broken Arrow'. Check out 'Swordfish'. He is so sexily ruthless, you'd actually want the bad guy to win! haha.
Tom Hanks, Best Actor, Forrest Gump. Also nuff said. No one plays a retard better. Wait a minute, check out the irony! Tom hanks is also playing Robert Langdon in the Da vinci Code!:) Nevertheless, i found Forrest Gump highly thought provoking in a life giving sorta way. It was ' Castaway', ' Green Mile' ( both starring Tom Hanks by the way, and i think Green Mile got him another academy award) in a nutshell- it speaks of life that could have been ordinary but didnt. The miracles of life, in the choices, in our innocence, in our ignorance, in our
all and the beauty of it is like a 'box of chocolates'. There is a certain spirituality to the movie. Not that it deals with God. But that it deals with humanity. Humanity in microcosm, hmm..again, im entitled to my own opinion.
Last year, Jamie Foxx won Best Actor for Ray. Ok, to speak the truth, i did not completely enjoy the movie. However, what i DID enjoy, was his role in Collateral. Starring Tom Cruise as 'bad guy' assasin, and he playing timid taxi driver. For many, Jamie Foxx is supposed to play comedic roles. When i watched this, it seemed that Foxx's role was just about perfect supporting Cruise's role. But its not really easy putting this down in words. Like the Matrix's catch phrase- " nobody can be told what the matrix is,
you have to see it on your own"
Jada Pinkett Smith also acted in the movie, as a lawyer, targeted by Cruise's Assasin. In case anyone dont recognise her, she's 'Niobe' in Matrix reloaded? She also happens to be the wife of Will Smith. Speaking of Will smith, the Fresh Prince of Bel-air won Best Actor for his role in Ali. And nope, i din watch that movie.
This actor isnt exactly famous. But he sure did movies that captured controversy, and erm..my attention?? Jim Caviezel played 'Jesus' in the Passion of Christ. I think in my own prayer life, i take Mel Gibson's Passion as the closest, or exact depiction of what exactly happened..and there's a certain force in doing so. Its strange how relationships develop over mere images right? I mean, i believe the billions who believe in a God have to have a projected image of someone or something. Any agnostic, or atheist sees that as almost an infallible argument of the mind's power over man. Man, i sound like a premature Dan Brown ardy. Oops. And if anyone's asking, im catholic. Strictly. Haha, ok hear this: Samuel Lim told me that Jim Caviezel was chosen in his role of ' Jesus', not only for his acting talents, but for his initials too. JC..ring a bell? haha..i wonder why Mel Gibson din choose Jim Carey then!
i'd love to carry on with Jerry Bruckheimer and his movies, Nicolas Cage and his role in Face Off, a little on Lord of the Rings, Tim Burton's Batman movies, and then Christopher Nolan's fantastic Batman Begins..but we'd have to wait. I've got a flight at one, and now's 11. Probably in Hong Kong..when more inspiration pops up. i htink the good thing about blogs is that it constantly reminds you that in the monotony, when you actually
have to pen down somehting, you'd realise that life is really really like a 'box of chocolates' You'll never know what you getting until you open it. But whatever is in, you'd know that it sure is GOOD.
4 books & Thailand!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
♥ Thursday, March 02, 2006
The very fact i could devour 4 books, in a mere 2 and a 1/2 wks does say something about where i was doesnt it? That it sure is, boring.
So here we go.. up on the first of a list of books, we have.. Heartbreak and Triumph(150206) I think this is just about the first biography i've read from start to end. Its by Shawn Michaels- a wrestler i've adored from young. So being that, reading about the many incidents and matches he was involved in suddenly brought me back many many years, when i was still livin in Cowdray Avenue, being Marie Low's little spastic marist student neighbour fella:) i think the joy of reading it lies in where you actually see someone you hold somewhat of high esteem, and then you read about the reflections of his life, as if actually knowing the person personally now. How i wish i could read the Bible with such an angle of a perspective, wouldnt that be great?
The next is also another 'first'. The 'first' of Max Lucado books i managed to read in thailand was Traveling Light(180206). This book is basically about the burdens, God never wanted us to bear without His sound wisdom of handling and growing. OK, in a nutshell..erm, not really quite to my liking. Ok, i think Max made a great reference when he used Psalm 23 (" The lord is my shepherd, there is nothing i shall want...) to teach each of his readers that one's relationship with Jesus is sufficient to undergo the tumultous road of life. But, sadly, there isnt more depth to it. There is elaboration, with lucid examples. But, i guess it lacks the educational fervour of teaching. Maybe, its just not my kinda book la.
The God of the 2nd Chance (240206) by Greg Laurie was a book given to me (for Xmas i think) by Evelyn. Alright, this book, though the title sounds alot more simplistic than Lucado's, is a better read. His examples are easier to relate, there's a breath and a scope to each 'theme'. Its not too different from Traveling Light- references were also made to the same psalm, similar issue of guilt was mentioned, etc. But on the whole, Greg Laurie allows the reader, on more instances to grasp the notion of a loving God, of the chance we have had, on the love that we walked away from, and the opportunity to walk back. I think in all books, its not so much the idea, but the display of it. The use of metaphors in many cases, brings the minds of readers into a more intellectual depth than just telling them what, how and why. This is where Laurie makes his distinction from Lucado, i guess. Pretty good. Ask me for it, anyone.
And the FINALE..another of Dan Brown's controversial, scandalous and highly provocative novels, " Angels and Demons"(270206) This, people, is a category of its own. When i read Da Vinci Code, i thought it was good, but it fades as how our memory does. This one, on the other hand, represents not so much wit, but power. The power of an author's ability to engage, to stimulate and to allow the reader to feel for. Feeling for and stimualtion are different. Stimulation is "im touched, humoured, angry.." the ability to draw emotions outta the reader. When one feels for, however, one understands and emphathizes with the CAUSE. And when one feels for, its the soul's extension to eternity and back. For one realizes that its an innate truth that the party acts on. In this case, the Camerlengo's cause of such upheavel, represented so dramatically in his speech to the masses is that to undo Science's attempt to blind Man from God. And the issue the author talks about, Science and Religion, is a very real issue right. Its only sad, that its the person who believed in the ideals of the spiritual who is portrayed as the bad guy.Good book.
When i came to thailand, my thought of coming here was simple: a retreat. From that which i know, and from that which i dont. All that, in a quest to know God, to know myself. But i think that the departure from church, has its adverse effects. Well, these were my goals. Out of which, haha, dont think managed to fulfil much.
1) Develop relationship with God- prob get to do a little session for LOG when im back.
2) 35 pull ups-its a hundred bucks my PC promised. LUCRATIVE investment.
3) Find out what i like to do, what God want me to do with this life
4) come out with smth for jie's 21st bday.
Haha..and despite the boredom, somehow i became even more lethargic than healthy. So, ok..for now, im thinking of havin a go at Aeronautical. We'll see how that turns out eh? And yap, sure prayed abt it. Just aint that convicted, like about everything else.
oh, lastly, read meltan's blog. How nice,a Catholic who stands in the face of questions and challenge, believing the awesome nature of what surrounds the mystery we call faith. if you dont call that conviction, i just dunno what is.
