We are where we place ourselves

someone say something

Sunday, August 27, 2006

♥ Sunday, August 27, 2006

NOTE: SOME PICS HERE MIGHT BE GRAPHIC.

Today's talk by Correen was v gd. There was a certain section about IVF & Surrogate Mums that is on my mind. I do want to start off a tiny debate, because i still am unsettled about the church's stand.

I believe the notion of basically having a child formed by means, other than intercourse, is a debatable issue.

While one may argue that it is not natural, I might ask 'what is natural?' And is un-natural all that bad? If we establish 'natural' as that which is not intervened by humans, then we should perhaps compare the means of transportation. It used to be walking, wasnt it? Well, I guess today we all can say driving, is faster and more efficient from bringing one from A to B, than walking. Inventions or rather, 'human intervention' on many occasions, though un-natural, are for good ends.

In this case, we have a mother who's ovulating,as per normal, but is unable to conceive because of her uterus lining (too thin to house the embryo). Both parents want a child, and believe that their family is not complete without one. It is established both parents love each other, and by way of catholic understanding, enjoys sex and advocates the sacred-ness of the act. How is it in any way, a 'wrong' thing to do, should the father decides to fertilize the mother's egg by means of technology, to create a child thats theirs? No messing around with the genome, no creating of some perfect baby, just a child. So basically, God's still in control of the permutation and combination of the DNA, and thus the result that is the child is really still up to Him right?

Yes, it is not direct. Direct here meaning, that through sexual intercourse, the mother becomes pregnant. Question is, so what? It is a longer process that achieves a similar end. Lets talk Christian. Fundamentally, its about salvation. Its about Jesus, and believing. Its about love.
Extrapolating the idea of perhaps abortion, we can see why it is wrong, and ho

w there are no 2 ways about it. (Abortionismurder.org, find out the truth about it.)

But this? I am not able to have a child, because the means do not justify the ends? Thats such a thin argument. How is a child, created not by means of sex (not by choice but by dire circumstances), a hindrance to salvation and Jesus's love? Is the love the child receives any less pure? Is it tainted by the mother who 'tom-pang'? Even the most dejected adoptee finds love and nourishment from a caring adopter, much less a child who was merely housed in his or her developing foetal stages and then returned to her biological mother?

People bring up the idea of adoption. Think about it this way: it is preferable to care for

a child that is not yours, than to care for your child who just happened to be created differently? I do not understand. Playing God they say. Ladies and Gentleman, it is divine to experience loving a child and the reciprocal love of the child. Is there not a certain spiritual element to the happiness of a family?

Contraception vs IVF/ Surrogate mothers.
One is by choice, another is subjected to circumstances.
One promotes the seeking of pleasure from antoher, another is simply seeking to complete what a family should be.
One is an obstacle to, while the other facilitates birth.

Is it heretical to say the church needs to move with the times? Of course not. There are reasons to which this phenomenon, where men and women are having more problems conceiving- the environment, the promiscous lifestyles, their eating habits, whatever. From a certain perspective, one could say Man brought this upon himself. However, the problems Man bring to himself, Man strives to resolve.

This usually comes in the form of medical science, or some new technology to make clean the environment. Is it wrong to say, that IVF and surrogation is Man's attempt at recovering from the damage they themselves created? I do not believe so. Perhaps if the church can see it from such a light, that as before, when people had to pay indulgences for their salvation, Man's relentless search today for cures and means to maintain or build what is trully good is similar to that, I guess there will really be alot less fretting over.

The 'bundles of joy', they say, have become what Kenny says, one huge question mark.

lets begin, again.

Friday, August 25, 2006

♥ Friday, August 25, 2006

" I believe there are 2 ways of writing a story. One is making a post of musical comedy and ignoring real life together; the other is going deep down into life and not caring a damn." wodehouse, author.

This, ladies and gentleman, is my new motto in life. Not that i have had prior mottos, but this one is one that i find can adequately express where i am. What this means, is that, we got to take everything with a pinch of salt, heartily with laugther and amusement. When we ask too much, we frown too much, we attempt to 'work at our lives' too much, it becomes one big misery and tragedy. Wodehouse is trying to say, some authors tend to dwell too deep into the melancholy of life and leave the reader there, helpless and hopeless.

So yes to comedies and hilarity. No to anger and bitterness.

A very meaningful period of time has passed. And a very exciting one ahead!

1) Major squabble at home over some minor misunderstanding! I blew it out of proportions for no legitimate reason. Bad of me. Good lesson learnt the hard way. Trust, forgiveness, love and humility.

2) Isolation in camp. Not my fault, but painful lesson. Lesson? To always talk. Communicate; silent is more often seen as a quiet surrender, than confidence. Any misunderstanding, must be communed. 2nd lesson- to find my independence & security with God. People will always put you down, and bring you misery- your job is to find peace and happiness.

3) Chat with Val. Not the happiest. But we do learn somehting dont we? Give and take. Let's all learn that how we see things, is how WE see it. Change the 'seeing', and you're a happier man.

4) Atec

! Crazy 3 missions. walk like crazy, and ran outta water! BUT managed to finish Imitation of Christ by Thomas Kempis (240806), and very very happy that i managed to complete the mission. Keep looking back from my 1st BMT days, how i loathed it, and then how i wanted to leave everything, how i decided to keep everything and pushed on. Everything's possible! From 'i cant run', to 'i managed to complete this distance without stopping' to 'i managed to finish this distance in that timing!' Wow, thank you God, but you made me a very happy person.

5) The 3 books i finished! Other than the 1 mentioned above(which took about 2-3 yeas to finish!) Before that, we have Dawn by Elie Wiesel (010806) about the deep remorseful thoughts about a freedom fighter about to execute a british hostage. Quite sad and is really absorbing. Very short read, but if i am not wrong, the author won a Nobel Prize for it la. So anyway, got to read the next 2. Then, there is Idenity by the-author-i-keep-bloggin-about Milan Kundera. As much as i enjoyed all his novels, this might be the last. Exploring other pastures, This story is quite simple and very very enjoyable. Its a typical Milan Kundera novel, but people, it is a fantastic read. Simply, 2 people who are in a relationship, question their very purposes in it and ask whats love all about? Loved it.

6) AHM on sunday with Alvin and whoever decided to go. I enjoy running and running

somewhere in town is quite an enjoyable experience! Dunno about going liquid room on satuday tho. And look like this! FUN & my 1st experience with the 'drunk' me.

7) Who wants to watch Snakes on a Plane starring Samuel L.JAckson, or Lucky number Slevin ( with a powerful cast of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Josh Hartnett and Lucy Liu), or Devil Wears Prada. How exciting! 3 3-stars-or-more movies waiting for me to catch. Just gotta go borrow soemthing that says i am 21 years or older.

8)The Endless possibilities from today! Beginning with my new found motto! Then, because atec's over, i have certain goals from now till ORD. These endless possibilities give me time to fulfil these goals- because i have yet to decide which are the ones i wanna work on, simply because there are so many! HOnestly, i more or less know la. I just have to find the drive to work on them.

9) Da jie's birthday! Ok, though we went through a little rough time, i still really hope to make this a special one for her. Dunno la, just hope it works and she's happy.

10) ok, this has GOT TO BE IN CAPS. S A N F R A N C I S C O. with dad and jie. 2 weeks time. And im really praying for it to be a beautiful time. Im sure it will be and have been looking forward to it ever since the planning stages. even bought a book called 'san francisco for dummies' la. But, the book's probably be on the shelf for some time.:)

10 things to thank God for. The musical comedy begins today...the 25th of Aug 2006. Where cries end and smiles begin; where i will kill cynicism with humour, disappointment with hilarity, and anger with amusement! Yay to the arcade God just introduced me to.

thanks

Thursday, August 17, 2006

♥ Thursday, August 17, 2006

Wow, evelyn, i dunno how u did it..but that 1.5 hr chat was a wonderful time. Thank you.

The bottle of Shiraz is making me very tipsy, but i still know the little miracle we been through together.

And sorry for the making fun la. Haha now that i know ur a feminist, guess gotta be more tactful.

Though i constantly think ur a lousy friend, ur still a really close one. And its time like these i get to experience and appreciate it.

Its a tough time. No doubt there were worse ones; but particularly at this i realised, when you were afraid that i'd get cirrhosis cuz of the wine, that you called; that we chat, that i have many to thank God for. Aaskash and Hasharan for their help on upcoming interview in a year's time, Daniel Wong and his support in prayers (thru SOL and this) and encouragement, and you.

I'll find you on fri. Love ya.

The Act chapt 2.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

♥ Tuesday, August 15, 2006

We held hands as we watched Family Man.

After the movie, Viktoria said," there was clearly a path the protagonist was meant to take. i think the main phrase in the movie, that conveyed the theme was 'i have never stopped loving you.' " With that, she gripped my hand tighter- did she want to tell me somehting? i would never know.

"I feel movies make the world a lighter place. Newspapers on the other hand, is one big anthology of tragedies. Sri Lanka, Israel-Lebanon are the more obvious crises, Sino-Japan with Koizumi and that war shrine nonsense, plus Iran and North Korea's never ending demand of nuclear prestige is a time bomb waiting to implode. And we all sigh in resignation because the way newspapers are: completely, resignedly objective."

Viktoria thought for a moment, " I know for one that God is in control of everything."

"How so?"

"Well, these are definitely trying times. But these werent the worse; there was communism and nazism and all that post world war 2 crap. That was when people thought evil would prevail, but still it crumbled. We have to put things in the correct perspective: sometimes God allows bad things so good things can all the more shine."Viktoria said.

"Well, it sure took lots of sacrifices to show that good prevails huh.."I smirked.

"thats because we're hard nuts to crack. You see, you, Marcus, tend to have quite stereotypical thoughts. And thats mostly because of your pride, i would imagine. You criticise, and you condemn. But take a step back, and more often than not, the cup is meant to be seen as half full."

"Ok. You know, in army, i get alot of time to myself. By a manner of perspective, that is a good thing. I get to ask myself alot, daydream alot, talk to myself alot, and think alot. And most often, i see myself going back to this thing about humility. Somehow, i just have to have it. Maybe its because i lack it, or maybe its because i know it will somehow get me what i want."

"God's your service provider huh?"

"must you be so direct?"

"Well, yeah. If you cant be honest with me, and if i am who you say-your evidence of existence, how can you be honest with you? Ok, but well, it works like that in the world. I too face that same problem of making God one huge ATM. All i need to do is cash in a prayer and what i desire passes out." Viktoria said. As she said that, i suddenly grew self conscious.

Suddenly i felt watced, like an animal on display, by Viktoria? Do i need to act right, or say the right thing? HOw come she has all my answers? Do i look stupid talking to her? I have got to look brighter. But it all pales in comparison to her knowledge. Its her wisdom that's so humbling! All the little details i pride myself with, of looks and of knowledge, breaks down with a simple statement of honesty! Honesty!

"If you cant be honest with me...how do you be honest with you?" i murmered. I realised that she was being far too honest, and that scared me. There was a certain part of me, that i still want kept behind the mask. Viktoria often pulled off that mask and exposed me, for the me that i was. That was scary.

I supposed she did notice the sudden stiffness, and perhaps reacted accordingly by changing the topic. That was Viktoria for you- playing the tune in such a manner it becomes too deafeningly honest, and leaves you in the lurch while drifting tactfully into another topic. What was so attractive about her? I often asked myself. I often asked myself, not because I liked her any less, but because the attraction seemed to grow on a very mysterious premise. And what that premise is, I am trying to find out.

It must be the smell. The fragrance of intellect and the odour of honesty. The aroma of confidence that she wears, both attracts and repels(when you're on her bad end). There is somehting that lingers after being with her: the smell clings unto you. Love is like swimming, you get to do the stroke you want to do, move your limbs however you wish, and do it free. You get to move and relish your being- because in the pool, everyone's swimming. Everyone's looking stupid, and no one laughs. When was the last time you did a breast-stroke, in a lecture theatre without getting people's attention?
When she wraps her arm around mine; when she laughs at the stupid comments i make; when she looks into my eyes, she lets me swim.
Thats the aroma she gives me. To move and to be free.

The Act chapt 1.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

♥ Sunday, August 13, 2006

She asked me,' who are you?'
I had no answer. i used to think that looking in a mirror, i would figure that out. Now, i believe with a person, with a relationship, i will know.

So, she asked me, 'who am i?'
And i wonder, these 2 questions are not the same, and yet they seem so. I cannot answer who she is, maybe because i can not answer who I am.

I look at the mirror, and i see a person staring back. I dont know whether i know the person anymore; but i long to believe i do. I long to believe we have to have a place in this world, a place that is unique, special and precious because that is the place that is due to you and no one else.

She said,'i am Viktoria. Spelled with a 'k''
I always marvelled at how unique this was; how often you knew a person who's called Viktoria, with a k? Probably in Russia. It was a question to provoke. Of course i knew her name, i met her in College for crying out loud. But still, she broke the silence with 'i am Viktoria, spelled with a 'k'', and that surprised me.

I was surprised at how she said her name like it was her, in a nutshell. I wondered did Marcus, mean me? Could 'Marcus' represent things about me? Or was 'Marcus' simply a noun people use to connect, when they think of me. Why does it matter? Because I am a storehouse of memories; i am a deposition of experience; I am alive. While i am alive, i need consciously know what being alive means, and that strangely is answered in her 'i am Viktoria, spelled with a k."

While we are the reflections of each other's being, we can conclude one thing: we know we are alive because of the other. So what does being alive means? That in another person, the person whom we love, we get to breathe. To kiss, is to breathe life, the life that gives meaning to the other, the meaning of life.

I asked her,'Are you happy?'
She looked at me blankly. She seemed too blase about it and that thoroughly disturbed me. Of course, i did not show it.

She said," Do i need to be? A person's life is so transient. Happiness today is elusive; if we cant achieve it in that short period we call a life, what is there to lose? What matters is whether we are fully alive. There is a place we all eventually will go, thats established." She grinned, and continued," And that place, is one we all should learn to ponder over."

Ponder over death? Is it asking what happens when we die? Or is it simply thinking about death- the grueling process of ageing, the last few seconds of breath one comes to inhale and goes through a complete evaluation of his life, or the family he wishes to have stand by while he passes on? More importantly, what does death have to do with being fully alive?

I replied Viktoria,' of course you need to be. Life is short, if we arent happy, what is the point of living? We go through the motion of life, seeking an answer. I believe that the answer to the end of any question, is happiness."

She stopped me right there.' Well, what about sadness? What about disappointment? What about passion and ambition? Happiness to me, is one aspect of life. A life lived, comprises of more than just this aspect. Well, can you say a life sad and suffered, or a life passionate or a life cynical is not a life?'

'I guess the question will then be, what kind of life are you looking for.' I continued thinking about death. There was once this question posed, 'if today was the last day of your life, how would you live it?' And the answer, lived everyday, would be the defintion of a complete and fulfilled life.

'What is the life you are looking for, Marcus?'

'Well, i want to be a movie star. I want to be an engineer or a lawyer or an accountant. Maybe i 'll be a pilot.I aspire greatness. I long for a family, a car, a loved one. I aim to be the best that I can be. Someone important in society, in the world. I want to be rich. Some tycoon or datuk or minister. Someone strangers will look at and be amused at the achievements I've consolidated over the years. By the age of 50, i should have properties and cars. I should have the life i want.'

She stopped, and stared right into me. It seemed to go right through me. She then asked once more,' who are you?'

the letter backwards

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

♥ Wednesday, August 09, 2006

the letter backwards...
It began simply you and me
And it worked with a letter
It was all written backwards
So i could look at myself as i looked into the mirror
As i looked at your words

I remembered nothing much
only the smile i saw of myself in that mirror
because i know what backwards meant;
It was you, and it was me, and with you i saw me.

Nothing's all that simple isnt it.
What could have been a single line, was written
intertwined with meaning, with life, with me
And with me and that history
i made that letter a distant memory.

What could have been love,
didnt even see friendship through.
But i cant say, that i wanted it this way.
I walked backwards many times,
hoping to see my smile in that mirror.
The smile the letter backwards brought me.

But i woke up, when you said 'no'
the world seemed brighter, fresher
and i walked alone.
Till today, when i looked at my drawer
I picked up that very letter
and saw what i realised was no longer a part of me
and no longer did i want it to be.
Thats when i threw the letter backwards,
as far away as it could get from me.

The letter backwards, shall become a complete memory.

change of add

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

♥ Tuesday, August 08, 2006

why chatter-ology, from the i read, watch, think, write?
i dont know. I guess its all chatter in the end. i din go session on sunday. Helping sis plan next hol trip. DAmn excited abt that. But behind it, i felt i had enough of comm, for the wk.

I feel i am slowly losing it. At some point in time, i was all so clear about every damn thing. Abt what God wants, about how to live life, how to be grateful and so on... i even managed to cook up some whimsical, comical prose on life, friendship, love, books and so on. Today, things seem to be in a blur. Maybe i am too concentrated on the'i' once again, when i should realise things basically are humourous chatter.

There's much i want and have to do, much that is required. haha, suddenly, i am ambitious all over again. I want this and i want that. For? to? Satisfaction. Pride. I changed the address because i realise i know longer blog to blog, i blog for ostentatious purposes, and thats downright capricious.

Happy? Perhaps. Or maybe i dont believe it anymore. I used to think and believe in the power of cynicism. Or, the power of knowledge, and intellect. Now, i only retract to a simple,'i dont know.'

What dont i know? Community. Vision? Mission? The agm was a big battlefield of pride against God's will, of anger and solitude against hope. What seemed to be sources of inspiration, have retreated into the realm of 'mere words'. I no longer need to justify what i mean, cuz i no longer wish to explain. Is that identity? Sounds like madness. But, to tell the truth, i am angry.

I am angry at no one but me. And i realise this anger can only be drowned out by other's, music, rock, movie, the bloody punching bag, or you. Flattery against honesty? Right. We've seen enough affirmations to make it flattering, and enough criticisms to make it honest. Stop, Marcus, stop.

'I hope you dont mind, that i put down in words'

Thursday, August 03, 2006

♥ Thursday, August 03, 2006

Let's try talk songs today. Whatever songs come to mind, 'your song' (elton john) or 'my sacrifice' (Creed), lets see where our thoughts bring us.
Contemporary music has always a way of saying 'i'll do it my way' (frank sinatra), the reflection of the growing indivualistic person, "its my way or the high way." (limp bizkit), and that of society. But, as the saying goes, "music makes the people come together" (madonna), we are all able to identify with the lyrics, as if there's some universal truth it speaks about-'if you had, one shot, would you capture it? or let it slip?"(eminem) this is about ambition; 'all out of love' (air supply) is about what it says it is. Regardless, it is amazing that the world speaks a common language through music.

A common language? Lets not so much talk about "we are the world" (lionel richie and diana ross) or "heal the world"(michael jackson), lets talk instead about mambo. :) Now, i dont particularly enjoy this, but tt doesnt mean i dont have any thoughts on it. See, gg zouk yesterday, i realised many people dance to the same tune. Not just rythmically but religiously? People seem to have a common 'step' that they are inclined to follow, to groove to the beat, a 'know' to the melody.

Take the song 'tears in heaven' (eric clapton), or 'Dance with my father' (Luther Vandross), or "Love Me"(Colin Raye) for instance. What all 3 songs have in common is their identification with loss. Eric Clapton composed the song as a 'melodic' mourning to his son, who died in a plane crash; Luther Vandross's " never dream that he, would be gone from me." and " if you get there before i do, dont give up on me...till i see you again, i'll be loving you, love me." speaks to us and helps us verbalise our own feelings on loss, or the fear of it. There is a certain wonder to this language that people can speak and yet not talk about and know that we all kinda dance to the same tune in life.

'i write the songs that made the whole world sing, i write the songs in love of special things.." (barry manilow) gives us a pretty good idea, to the idea behind composing. To make the whole world sing? For love of special things? haha..if you know whats the phrase after, you'll see my point as less relevant, actually. Ok anyway, yes. I made my point earlier, with the whole world singing. Special things? Hmm lets see, love? "how do i live?' (trisha yearwood), 'i will always love you' (whitney houston) ? Other than love, it is really quite hard to find more things people find special other than maybe 'New york City' in Arthur's Theme (we're gonna get caught between the moon and new york city? i know its crazy, but true!) or hotels..(give u a tip, its by Eagles) or maybe the moonlight? ( next tip, its by Leann Rimes.)

I am telling you, there is a certain eternal value about songs. People just want to keep on singing, and when they are out of new songs, they go back to old ones. They term this 're-mix' Ask Michael Buble, he'll know.:) His only new song in the album is 'Home', other than that, well, not like we dont know ' sway' and 'save the last dance for me'. Lets not go into the eternal value of hymns- i believe its gonna be a universal mystery the way hymns resonate and riches with age. ( like wine) Let us go instead into movies. See, music makes up for where picture fails to convey. Can you actualyl imagine Beauty and the Beast without the song, 'Beauty and the Beast"? Or Land Before Time without "If we hold on together"? What is Ghost like without 'Unchained Melody"? Sounds pretty spooky to me. And speaking of spook, whats Casper like, without 'Remember me this way'; and Pocahontas if we took 'Colours of the wind' out? I believe i've made my point. But still to be sure, lets go on the naggy winding road, to futher punctuate it.

HAve you watched Phenomenon? Its an awesome, awesome movie starring John Travolta. Its basically John Travolta's character suddenly acqurin weird powers. And the town is ultra shakened up by it, even the girl he likes kinda ostracises him. But, he uses it to change lives, not in a miraculous way..but in subtle, convincing and touching ways. He gets this guy hooked up, he manages to win over the girl he loves..blah blah. How does the movie ends? With the song 'Change the world' by Eric Clapton. If you heard the song, you'll understand how it actualyl punctuates the theme for the movie; its about love, and its about how we can change the world with it. How moving.

Haha but, but there's something more to music nowadays, and trust me, it IS interesting. Its about angry women who decided to put a tune to bitching. Check out 'Complicated' by Avril Lavigne; have you heard 'Superwoman' by Karyn White or 'Because of you' by Kelly Clarkson? Its super hilarious. "Because of you i'll only play on the safe side so i don get hurt.." Its sad when you want to feel it la, but if you take the parody-mindset, its really quite funny. But ok, lets for a second, be serious. And hear a father's song to a daughter, the way he sees her life in a summary, how a certain event tells him which stage of life his daughter is at. What is that event? "the butterfly kisses, after bedtime prayer, sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.." (Bob carlisle). Tell me, is it even possible you don feel the wave of emotion that builds up? Especially when the song climaxes at ,' walk me down the aisle daddy, its just about time. Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy, daddy dont cry!"

This is a sensational world. Its all touchy feely; in fact, this should be called the New Romantic era. The last one was simply too arty farty that ppl this age could hardly come close to that kinda culture. But, BUT it doesnt mean we arent romantic, it just means we are on a different level of that romance. It doesnt mean we no longer like mozart, its just that we prefer Kci and Jojo; it doesnt mean we cant appreciate Beethoven and Bach, just that we are more inclined to Bee Gees and Beatles. Yes true, its in the past we find all the truths and depths about life and love, and its true that people in today's society 'dont know what its like, to love somebody..to love somebody" , but still, we choose what we want to enjoy, and i enjoy Celine Dion a hell lot more to Schubert.

And it doesnt mean we arent arty farty anymore. HOw about 'Paint my love' by Michael learns to rock? Its a picture of thousand sunsets, its a picture of a thousand doves..there is something! I guess we're just getting literal. And the answer to the human spirit? 'Hero' by Mariah Carey. The question of the young, the children and their relevance to our world? We have 'Youth of the Nation' By P.O.D, and if you have a prejudice for rock, Whitney Houston's "greatest love of all" will definitely pacify you. 'i believe the children are our future...show them all the beauty that they have inside."

If the world was a picture, songs would be its paint. And should there be any shadow of cynicism that plagues our age, we'd take up the sword of melody and the shield of harmony, and teach the world to sing. For in singing, we know that we no longer are separate but one. There's a world joint by the hands of songs, a life made warm by the hugs of tunes and that 'if we hold on together, we know our dreams will never die.."