how do i feel??
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
♥ Wednesday, April 25, 2007
AmbivalentThe past few days culminated in a climax yesterday night. Suddenly, there's a way out of all this. And i took it. Or rather, i will be taking it.
Yes, its SMU and i've serious reservations going there. But well, it offers something i've wanted to do longer than any of the other courses i gave thought to.
And lets jot down, what i did to prepare. Or how did my decision evolve as such?
Well, lets say its the arguments in army. The people really, i must give thanks to God for.
Nicholas Koh- uncompromising, insensitive and definitely straight to the point- thanks for the challenge to be quicker and more calm in dealing with situations.
Hau Tzeng- quick, philosophical and really stubborn- thanks for starting me on the steps of debate and discussion. I thoroughly enjoyed the sessions and realised that it was something i couldnt have done without.
Marcus Goh- a lover of generalisations- that i can constantly think twice about what you say, find loopholes and fallacies, and to challenge me to blow them out of proportion.
Nathaniel- patience, encouragement, resilience- i believe everytime we chat, it was always a discussion, never an argument. You made me understand how to have an opinion and stand by them. Is that what conviction is?
Thong Keng and Alex- the 2 most brilliant debaters i probably will ever know- thanks for always giving that fresh insight and pulling the intellectual rug off my insolent feet. Getting that air of brilliance, is both at once intimidating as well as challenging. And as much as i understand my colossal failure at evangelizing, your opinions and sharings were felt and kept.
These were the people. And of course a few more.
Then there was that system. That i tried to break and suffered the consequences that will forever be etched in the memories of my platoon mates. Unbelievably stupid actions that well, revealed the maverick rebel within. Of course, at that point in time, all i could think about was what a dumbass i was.
Then were the books and newspapers. The local issues, the economist, etc. Ideas thrown in different directions and propelled me from one illusion into antoher fantasy. It was an overwhelming experience, that i had to ask myself, where it would lead me.
Now, the friends!
' I think you like to analyse and dont like to have a specific answer for an issue. So *** might be a good thing for you'- Daniel Wong. Thanks bro. It kept me through.
'Personally, you're intellectually way above many i've met, and philophically you're past me... the key question is motivation and what we really want'- Samson. Im writing all this by hard. So its more than obvious the profound impact it had on me.
'personally, i dont really see you as a *** person, but if its somehting you really want, then God will grant you the grace to see you through...'- Evelyn. Thanks for the chat, and thanks for beating down my insecurities.
'i think you might enjoy ***'- Jude and Joshua. yeap, it was over badminton.
'i am thinking...why not?'-Shireen
These were the tiny encouragements which served a huge deal. And of course many many unsung heroes that deserve my applaud and sincere gratitude. Thank you. When i stopped believing in myself, it was you all that reminded me to.
Of course, there was family.
All the debates about anything minor, for the flamboyant use of language, for the excitement and involvement in any argument- thanks melv.
For the nudging and the cheering up, for the tiny quotations from "the pursuit of happyness"- "people cant do it themselves and they tell you you cant. you want something? Go GET IT'- thanks jie.
So, this was what got me started. And going. Thank you God. Soemhow, it all turned out alright.
But why ambilavent? Shouldnt it be delirious??
Well, my stupidity does take its toll on the things i do. And that has dire consequences. And im just so tired of making these mistakes and screwups. Time and again.
Its no longer an act of rebelliousness, but an act of nitwitism. The idiocy behind ignorance. The foolishness of indifference. The sheer vacancy of the mind, in such quixotic acts.
It scares the crap out of me really, that i have the potential to make such massive mistakes. And maybe in all of this, the one thing i can recall is St Paul's message of "to stop being from being too proud, i was given a thorn in the flesh. For this, i've pleaded with the lord 3 times, and He answered my grace is sufficient for you, my power is best in weakness". Its comforting, but well...it does demand a certain letting go la.
And so yes, its really a mixture of feelings. A monumental success on one hand, and a hiccup of insurmountable proportions on another. how does one feel, objectively, about that??
SOMEONE TELL ME
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
♥ Tuesday, April 24, 2007
JUST what to do.IN 3 days, i will be flying off. Or i will not. What does it mean if i fly off? Means i close an option, for good. That i do not want this enough to make that sacrifice. But how do i do that? I just cant make that decision...yet.
Or in 3 days, i will still be here. I will take my test on the next day, with absolutely no idea whatesoever how it will turn out. And so if it turns out bad, i would have effectively lost out on THAT, and my trip. How do i do that?
Yet, it seems almost a redundant question which choice i should make. On one hand lies a potential future, and on another a holiday. Yet, i am so inclined to look at the momentary, the transient and the near.
There are ways to go about doing this. LIttle adjustments that make both fit in. A short compromise on that, or a little hassle on this. BUt when the dust is settled, and all talk comes with no action, when i am at that threshold having to select one hand over another, not being able to have my piece of cake and eat it...what will i do?
This is a dilemma of insurmountable proportions, decisions so painfully obvious yet impossibly difficult to make. A conundrum of the heart, chided not by intellect but by emotion. And in that is a tiny audacity of hope, that against everything, it will be alright.
Whilst writing this, i am struck with a small epiphanic thought. Mayeb the grasp is not between the holiday and the test, the balance not between future and pleasure. Perhaps the sine qua non, is what the sine qua non is. What is important.
Labels: ui
ENOUGH
Sunday, April 15, 2007
♥ Sunday, April 15, 2007
Yea you know what?
Maybe i just cant do it.
Maybe i dont have what it takes. Maybe i dont need to do this. Maybe i have been lying to myself and to others all along.
But you know what? I do not think so.
I think this is something i need and want more than ever. I think its something i can excel and shine at. I think i might not have what it takes, but i will go that distance to make it happen. So dont you tell me that you dont see me as such a person.
You know what i think? I think life gives you too little time with too many decisions with too few 2nd chances. And occasionally, when something like this comes along...you GRAB it. There is no tomorrow, for something lesser, for something to make the best out of. It is today, and in that today, you make the whole difference.
It was as if your life was made for certain moments. And its that those moments that calls for certain decisions...and making such decisions are all that really matter.
So, why let someone or something hold you back? They dont know you. And neither can they tell you who you are, and who you are not. There are those situations when you remember your failings. Is that gonna make you stumble more? Or is that gonna be why you do not stumble anymore?
Yea, htis is a pretty pissed off post. But im trying to be creative and direct negativity into something inspirational. Why? Because i think so many people out there need to know that they can..and so they ask. But the replies they get, are humbling realities. "you cant study because you simply have no money to!"
"You cant compete with the other fella cuz you just simply dont have the looks or character"
And frankly, i've had quite enough of this BS. You cant do it, and you tell someone else he or she cant. You know maybe, too many persons havent had their shot, because of people like you. People like you who puts someone else down, to feel momentarily higher. People like you, are weeds, devoid of nutrients, and suck the nutrients out of a budding flower.
I htink whoever should just take this 'reality check' crap, and shove it. So what if i have my disabilities and inconveniences. A great philosopher once said, i am the captain of my fate, and master of my destiny.
I know i can and i will. And i think, thats all that matters.
Dont you tell me otherwise.
Taking flak and holding ground.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
♥ Saturday, April 07, 2007
In a scene reminiscent of the movie 300, i shall compose somehting that vaguely related to the titillating experience of yesterday, and 1-2 weeks back.
The challenger stood his ground. The enemy amounted to seven times his size. One believer against another, who would win? The wise against the strong, the courageous against the insurmountable...
He drew first blood and launched a spear. The enemy ducked, but a quick slash to the arm saw the enemy surprised at what he could do.
The enemy realised it must have its assault; it withdrew the hideous blade that shattered too many soldiers and whirled the sword at him.
Shield raised in time, he felt the brunt of the blow and fell back. The enemy capitalised and plunged the blade into him.
It missed him by inches and scarred his face. Tasting his own blood, he mustered the energy to release an onslaught of blows to the enemy. He drew his own sword by masterfully smashing the scabbard against the enemy, throwing it off its feet.
The enemy was caught by surprise, and before knowing it, had the challenger's sword coming right at him at deadly and uncompromising pace.
Sword came to meet sword, and eyes were locked in a deadly showdown. The enemy moved into a strategic position and hurled itself onto the challenger, and as the challenger ducked, the enemy achieved certain momentum to plunge his knife into the challenger's thigh. Just below the belt.
As he writhed in agony, the enemy begin preparing for the death blow, swinging the blade around.
The challenger raised his shield just in time to see the shield shattered. Yet, that bought him just the time needed to severe the enemy's jugular.
Both men were worn. But one knew that another had won. They looked at each other, in utmost respect.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
♥ Wednesday, April 04, 2007
LOST LOVE.When does a child stop crying?
When she knows she is no longer heard.
When does a Man stop believing?
when he has seen.
He sees a past and a present and foresee no future.
Thats when a man stops believing.
A child cries in the wilderness,
a mother is raped.
A father is shot,
a hope is lost.
A man looks in the mirror,
he asks,
what did i do, what did i do.
A belief is lost.
A mother looks at her child,
looks at her luggage,
and picks up her luggage instead.
A love is lost.
It is in their eyes,
and their cries.
It is in the voices that are silenced,
it is in the heart that the gamble is lost.
A child grows up.
He is the age of twenty,
and drinks
To wash that memory of father and mother.
A man grows old.
He looks again into that mirror,
and sees no more of himself,
but of what happened that fateful day.
A child becomes a mother,
she has but one single memory of her mother.
that the luggage was chosen over her.
she wonders, if she will be like her, someday.
The newspaper say that he attempted to rape.
In self defense, the lady shot the alcoholic.
Was it the lady who killed the alcoholic,
or the alcoholic who killed the boy,
or was the boy already dead
when his father got shot, and his mother, raped?
The man smashes the mirror,
he holds a gun to his head.
His wife pleads, his children cry.
He says, "i am sorry, but today i must face my lie."
She packed her bag- her husband cheated on her.
She realised that the apple doesnt fall far from the tree,
she is just going to be like her mother.
"mummy where are you going" the child asks
She looks around and see her bag.
She sees her child.
She drops her bag.
"mummy is not going anywhere" she says.
Love lost in one memory, can be redeemed by another.
