The phone beeped the arrival of a message. This time, it is from my sister, “Damn good stuff, wanna come, dad will fetch”. The two brothers in the hotel room- one reading, another typing this post- thought for a second and replied “nope don’t want if have nice stuff buy for us” and ended the note with a smiley. That was the tone for the entire trip. Aloof, lazy and sleepy- an attitude befitting for a place that has neither heartbeat nor clean air.
Penang has all the trappings of the simple life. A road side stall could be owned by generations; they are known more for its food than scenery; the roads are filled with cars coated with grime and dirt and the houses are single storied fenceless shelters with no air-conditioning and internet. This is the simple life. As an inside joke, if this is penang, i do so wonder what kuching would have been like.
My dad said the people here are happy. But the visitors aren’t: we view our trip here as a moral obligation and meaning of going for a family trip; yet all of us, in one way or another, wish we could have gone somewhere else- Europe perhaps. So we employ our coping mechanisms. My sister finds her solace in the food and shopping; my brother brings his book and enjoys taking photos. Me, I just look forward to messages and phone calls. And of course, Melbourne. I am the biggest escapist here. So be it.
Yet even the biggest escapist can’t dodge life’s inevitable junctures: relationships, exams, taxes…and death. We were here for another purpose: to visit the old folks. There were three of them.
Dai-kum-po wept when she saw us. She said she always wondered whether she would have been fortunate enough to see us for one last time. We saw her again, and when we were leaving, again that we heard that same sigh of resignation: she was not sure whether she would be around to cook for us congee the next time we came. Her right eyelid dropped over: she was blind in that eye. Yee-Kum-po could barely speak. Neither could she recognize us. Strapped to the wheel chair, after being forcibly brought out of the Old Folks Home as a result of unaffordable lodging fees, I could never tell whether she was happy to have us over with that indiscernible Hokkien. The healthiest of the three elders was Po-Po. We know her simply as Aunty Shirley’s Grandmother. She joked, gossiped, laughed.
These three lives in Penang had perhaps at one point in time or another crossed paths: one day in some market, whilst bargaining for some vegetables or arguing over some parking lot. Three lenses of history across about eighty years. How did their history bring them to their present? Did they have dreams of their own and did they have a say in where they are placed? Given a chance, would they have chosen something else? I would never know. I struggle at the ambiguity of my own ageing seeing them. But maybe, the question at the end of the day would be “were you happy?”
The people here are happy, my dad said. He was saying two things, really: that they experience happiness, and if they don’t, we wish them that.
the stupidity and necessity of assumptions
Friday, June 18, 2010
♥ Friday, June 18, 2010
I often have about only ten minutes to grab your attention in what i write. After that, I will receive a euphemism for it being boring. Something like what my brother usually says, "its ok". He has a point. Ask me to read someone's verbose dreams of life, I'd probably end up dreaming. Yes, i can be honest about that. In fact, that is exactly my first point. Fool everyone else- it is a dog-eat-dog world out there- except the person in the mirror.
And to be honest, I have a problem with assumptions. It is by no coincidence that this word begins with an "ass". It makes you arrogant and stupid. Arrogant because it is as though you are above life, and life just has no more surprises in store for you. Worse still, you might assume so much, that you worry. Now, lets dispel the illusion once and for all- worrying is no solution to any problem. Rather, it compounds the problem from the head to the heart. From white hair to what they call atherosclerosis- hardening of the blood vessels- why do that to yourself? You will age naturally and inevitably. There is no need to rush it.
Stupid precisely because life does in fact has such surprises. The years leading up to the past 4 months have told me that life is just a little too unpredictable to have one make the grossly unforgiveable mistake of assuming that there could not be anything more in store for me. You would be stupid not to learn from that mistake. And learn, by assuming more.
We should assume more. Assume that what you dream, you will attain. Assume that life's burdens are not beyond what you can shoulder. Assume that love is real. Assume that you are good and beautiful. Because these assumptions are self-fulfilling prophecies. It is in assuming that we will attain what we dream that we find motivation to achieve. Burdens are borne on the backs of those who assume that life is merciful. Love is made real, when we work on the assumption that it is. So assume more.
In 10 minutes, I might have shared with you about a tiny area of your life. If i havent, then i am glad that in 10 minutes, i at least would have shared with you a tiny area of mine. And this is one of my assumptions: that happily ever after isnt so much a when than a who. So, to the duet of Bryan Adams and Barbra Streisand will she walk in, about 3 years from now- it might be in a different country, with classier chandeliers, larger ang paos- who knows. But it will be the same handshakes offered and the same congratulatory looks given i saw yesterday. That, i happily assume.
the right one
Sunday, June 13, 2010
♥ Sunday, June 13, 2010
"In search of the one", an article published in the Catholic News, Jean discussed what relationships are and when a person's deemed ready to enter into a relationship. That article has reached and inspired many. The boyfriend intends, albeit in a slightly cosier setting of the small audience in this humble blog, to build up on this. The question i therefore ask, is " is this the right one?"
Considering the infancy of my relationship, i do not claim to call my answer exhaustive or absolute. My purpose, rather, is to throw up thought on relationships by sharing what i think are the essentials. The second agenda i no longer intend to keep hidden, is that I intend these writings to act as a reminder for me as well. The 3 areas i seek to highlight are as such: sharing similar principles, inspiring each other to the good, and being ready to receive.
Find someone who shares the same principles. Examples of principles Jean and I share are as such: loving means choosing the good for the other; family always first; commitment means discipline; no decision without dialogue; leave no argument unattended. etc. These are principles that you and your partner might already incorporate. I applaud and affirm you on them. Sharing similar principles are important for two reasons: first, it gives direction and shape to a relationship and secondly, it acts as a lubricant to the areas of a relationship that causes friction. The direction a relationship finds where both share the principle of choosing the good for another, just for example, is an environment where we feel protected and are therefore free to be ourselves. On the next point, friction although unpleasant, is necessary. Whats essential is that a couple moves deeper into the relationship through it rather than apart. Having same principles keep the right perspective in plain view. As such, whilst my parents can quarrel about which house is the most suitable, what perhaps resolved the dispute lay in the principle "family before self". Find someone who shares with you similar principles. And if you are already in a relationship- even better. Dialogue to search for the similar principles that not only do you two agree with, but are convicted by.
Find someone who inspires you to be good. One of the few things i recall from a vocation retreat years back is that a decision is judged by the fruits. Are these fruits of faith, hope and charity? Father Anthony Ho asked, "are these fruits good, are they long lasting, and do they glorify God?" Similarly, a partner (whether potential or existing) is assessed by the person that he or she allows us to become (or at least see ourselves become).
Such a person challenges us to see our own blessedness. This is because we find the confidence to love when we see ourselves as loved, first. In my reflections of what it means to be a gift to Jean, i realize that this is impossible unless I see within myself the good that i can give. The good i see within me, creates the conviction that i not only can identify the good in her, but can choose to give what is good within me to her. This is the journey of charity that i know i've embarked upon.
How do we know whether we are being "fruitful" in our relationships? Here, we see the wisdom behind Jean's 4th advice for couples- do not be exclusive. It is our friends and community that will be able to tell whether we are growing or simply changing. As such, ask for truthful observations from a loving community.
Find someone who is ready to receive. In a reflection on the scriptural verse " there is more happiness in giving than in receiving", Henri Nouwen wrote that where we choose to receive, we allow the other the happiness of giving. If you are ready to give, then the corollary of that, must be a partner who is ready to receive. Now there is a difference between this, and a person who is only there to receive. A person who is ready to receive, blesses the other when the gift is imperfect. Such a person is open to being surprised. A person who is only there to receive- makes criticisms as to why things couldnt be better. He wonders when is the next, better surprise going to be. I must admit to being the second person a long while ago. It was unsatisfying and exhausted the relationship. A person ready to receive, gives abundantly and freely. This is because such a person appreciates the value of a gift. And where we walk down the matrimonial path and decide to give ourselves, isnt the greatest joy having the other be ready to receive all that we are?
These are the 3 boxes to consider ticking in finding your right partner. If you are already in an existing relationship, I leave you these boxes to decide whether they are worthy of reflection. I do not think these are idealistic. I think they are aspirational. One's shrouded in naivete, another in hope. And I hope that this reflection brings joy to you as you encounter and discover love in all its many forms. And if you are single, I hope that this, if anything, allows you to think, more seriously, as to the kind of relationship you want to enter into.
