departure
Monday, February 07, 2011
♥ Monday, February 07, 2011
People say the cup half empty and half full, because they think you can choose perspectives. You might be a pessimist but you can choose to be an optimist. Start seeing the up, and you wont pay much notice to the downs. But what happens when the very reason I feel up is why i feel down? What happens when you pour a cup half empty into a cup half full? You do not get a full cup. You get a sense of what i am feeling.
I can think of the great times that we have had. It's Universal Studios and Karaoke, Steak and Durians, Friends and family, Chinese new year and Christmas. Its spending almost everyday with each other infused with a certain sense of fun and purpose. But I know full well that i am using the past tense in its description. "It's" is only short form for "it was". The cup half full into the cup half empty.
Trying to console myself with the heaps of work to be due soon only reinforces that reality that require such consolation in the very first place. And there is much to do, there are essays, take home papers and research. But there is that huge gap within me that is growing by the minute.
On the other hand, the cup half empty can sometimes be poured into the cup half full. I can regret about the times I have fallen short of my promises, realizing that those moments were times of grace for the dialogue it conjured
I can tell you that i am blissfully happy, and yet incredibly sad.
It is a battleground for emotions with an overarching resignation. Tomorrow is that day that we will have to part for some time. It is tearing me up. Maybe when you pour a cup half full into a cup half empty, you get a broken cup. I do not know.
That is the thing about tomorrows. Most dont even pay attention to it. But before you know it, there wont be any tomorrows. Before you know it, you will be wondering how many tomorrows are left. I feel paralyzed by tomorrow. It is like watching an event unfolding, from a distance. Unable to change the direction of fate and simultaneously resisting its happening. Resisting its happening, even though the cause and consequence of that happening are really, really beautiful things.
the glorious realities of being with the perfect girlfriend
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
♥ Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Tip toeing up the stairs to fetch her over for reunion dinner, i noticed the dark stairwell which meant her door was closed, shutting out any lights from her window. I was surreptitious and in half excitement. I have not seen her all day. Knocking on the door, I heard two replies- first, curt and second, irritated. And i opened. She lay on the sofa set, a quarter sedated, half weak from a stubborn flu and the last quarter i could not discern- was that a look of pleasant surprise? I know i hoped it was.
Our days in Singapore had been both assaulted and blessed by the manifold activities we've embarked on. A talk that highlighted the great transition from conception to execution, or from ideal to actual, or from dreams to reality took up both time, energy and emotions in preparation. This happened by grace, as all things do. But grace in particular gave me a girl who walked with me with her mind and her heart- that twofold dimension that encompassed Giving's full meaning. And when all is said and done, she said she was proud of me.
From a boyfriend's vantage point, there is nothing really more triumphant than that. Call it what you want: mythological heroism, masculinity or purely egoistic. But its biological and in any man with a decent amount of self-respect. A channel 8 drama recently showed the carthartic dialogue between the estranged wife and the philandering but contrite husband. She told him to come back to her when he found his own "self-respect". Now, disagree with the drama and the acting if you will, the message still holds: a person incapable of loving himself is simply incapable of being loved by another. A person without a degree of self-respect cannot invoke the respect of another. And paradoxically, it is in such moments that all the actions to demand self-respect just becomes a negation of it. On that same note, a person who already has it, experiences it all the more. The rich gets richer.
Doses of irritation highlighted the equally true converse: that the poor gets poorer. I lost my spirit of gratitude. And for about a week straight, that loss generated bite-sized doses of irritation that instead of chewing it silently, i had to vomit out unglamorously. She observed that I became more irritable. The general theory suggests that is what happen when a couple is so close: friction becomes a part of the lifestyle. But i rather be close and frictional than distanced and polite. Our relationship if anything is marked by distance. She agrees. That is why she fights. And from anyone's vantage point, you know that you are loved when you are fought for.
The reunion dinner was an array of seafood, vegetables, soup and meats. Chats were merry and shared intimacy by among many other things, the first-ever reunion prayer that my dad opened dinner with, brought warmth to a rather cool evening. Drama ensued soon after dinner. She and I walked to buy ice cream. A tiny dose of irritation then prompted a dialogue which morphed into the emotional equivalent of a quarrel. About two hours later, with the sharing extending itself all the way into the car ride home, we made a decision to love our remaining days in Singapore more together. That's my perfect girlfriend, for you.
Dating a psychologist
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
♥ Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Contrary to popular belief, psychologist-girlfriends really dont play mind games. In fact they really dont play any games at all. Games presupposes a chance of winning. The position of always losing, suffering the consequences of that loss, and not even have so much as a modicum of expectation of winning is affectionately called- "boyfriend". I love losing i guess. It keeps me humble.
And this is absolutely necessary for dating a psychologist. I mean, you can put up all these macho fronts- to beef up that masculinity- and it all comes down with a sound like "pfft" or "pooooffft". It is not even a word. If it was one, you could hide behind the fact that at least there is some rationale behind your injured feelings. So either learn humility before you get together, or you learn it their way. I suggest the former.
And they really have you by the... Sorry lets rephrase. They really have you under their thumbs. When i make either suggestions, propositions or questions that are cheeky and hilarious, she would give this absolutely genuine smile. She would look postured to take up the suggestion and even playfully tag along with "you would like that wouldnt you?" So the anticipation and excitement will build. Just like the stack of cards, placed precariously, one at a time- with the hope that it will finally look like a pyramid.
And just when you thought you have the final card up the pyramid. She'd suddenly revert to the serious. This time you'd see that she was really just being playful and had meant something absolutely opposite. She wouldnt even tell you the rationale. She would just crumple your stack of cards with a dismissively singular word. "No". I cant describe the feeling. "Disappointment" just doesnt sound intense enough..
But just when you would think that such guys could very well be the most miserable persons on earth? Absolutely not. They are the happiest.
For one, psychologist girlfriends are the bomb squad of any potentially awkward and hostile situation. And if you see yourselves in such situations, such a talent is a formidable asset. I think its rude and awkward to have dinner before the host and his family sits at the dining table. I think its worse that i am eating the birthday cake even before the birthday boy. She coolly managed to let me do both of that without either the birthday boy getting angry or the host feeling offended- both of them being the same person in this case. Eloquence mixed with psychology, with a tiny dose of wit, is an excellent concoction for getting away scot-free for almost anything. It would explain the discounts she gets at haagen dazs, the approved proposals at university and her impeccable score at interviews.
More importantly, her charms works best when the hostility is between me and her. When an argument happens, the girlfriend switches into therapy mode. She begins asking, empathizing, caring. Occasionally she gives a knowing smile and all negativity that were once present suddenly turn into something euphoric. Like dark chocolate- bitter at the start and sweet aftertaste. Like Durian XO- bitter to the point its delicious. And believe it or not, just when you thought your insanity would stop, the therapy just works the other way. You just become crazier about her. So the relationship just continues growing. Pretty much a win-win.
Dating a psychologist really isnt so bad. Just a little crazy.
Romance and the Sciences
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
♥ Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Science robs the fun by attempting to predict everything in romance. Maybe that is why my dad is hardly a romantic: he is an aeronautical engineer. A pure physics man. Almost two decades into the marriage, he bought my mum his first bouquet of flowers only after a colleague’s incessant cajoling. Now, one generation learns from another. I took triple Science in junior college- and was the bane of my physics tutor’s existence. I recall labeling a downwards arrow “upthrust” to the absolute amusement of my classmates. Along this line of logic, I must say that I evolved to be more a romantic.
Romance and physics just do not go well together. One is hardly predictable, another demands it. The laws of physics say that every action will always have an equal and opposite reaction. This means that if one bouquet of flowers makes you smile today, for each and every time I give you that bouquet, you should be smiling.
But anyone familiar with the laws of romance would say that is nonsense. I realized this on the 1st of December when she was not just smiling. She was…silent! For reasons that cannot be elaborated for fear of pain or death, you would simply be incapable of associating her with silence, if you really knew her. But that day, when she opened the door, she was! Smiles curving up her lips as reality slowly sunk in, she really was. Hardly predictable. Hardly physics.
It could not have been physics. Facing the full force of that reality- that we were finally seeing each other after a two month absence- the only thing we did was to stop and stare, in absolute contradiction to the law that when force meets matter, movement quickens. The laws of physics- they just do not work.
But maybe it’s biochemistry. Relationships act as if they involve some knowledge of chemistry. Somehow, kids know exactly the temperature by which their parents’ blood boil. Somehow, the sheer thought of surprising her, made my runs go a little bit faster. Just like steroids. And just recalling the moments in which we burst out laughing unglamorously in the middle of a road junction, amidst a bewildered crowd, brings a wave of euphoria as inexplicable as the feeling you get after an intensive workout. Just like chocolates at Max Brenner’s.
Speaking of highs, one of the memorabilia from Melbourne is this bottle of Moscato- a wine that was actually made sweeter by the thought of not having to take an earlier flight out of Melbourne, to don on the ridiculous green and black to fight enemies so powerful they can fly and land on you with catastrophic itches. It could be all chemistry. Even the itches.
At the end of the day- a fresh supply of “lau sa pao”s greeting me every morning, with daily doses of episodes from Big Bang Theory, a trip down to the beach and topping it off with a voice that ranks among the greatness of Celine Dion, Delta Goodrem and the like one karaoke evening- I really was the one taken in for a treat. Neither of which predicted, all of which thoroughly loved and enjoyed. But what I loved most is the mornings: it is the promise of a day spent with a loved one.
Science leaves too little room for something different and is incredibly pessimistic, neither of which Romance approves of. Looking back, there could very well have been significance to that wrongly labeled arrow. It is a refusal to be subject to that sad notion that everything that goes up must come down, and a rejection of that grim reality that one way or another, gravity brings us all back to earth. I went to Melbourne to defy such conventions. I went to surprise.
Long Distance
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
♥ Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Everything is in reverse. What for others is a rule, is for me the exception. Take a poll- couples would say they watch movies, go for meals, go to a park, walk etc once in two weeks on an average. I get to do that, and i think it is fair to say that i will get to do that, maybe about 4 times at most, in a year. So movies, meals, the hand holding,the cuddling, that is the exception.
On the other hand, what for others might be an exception, is for me a rule. Let us go back to that poll. Ask further and then perhaps as an afterthought, they will say "yeah we talk too". As if that is a given. It is not. The more you see, the less you say- pretty much the underlying theme of any sappy korean drama worth my aunty's viewing. But then again, that could very well be every single korean drama that is currently playing. The general storyline: Good wife, great husband but a marriage that cant hold the weight of misunderstandings. A ton of misunderstandings building up from things that could have been said.
So, I will tell you the one key essence of our relationship, we talk. We talk, and talk and talk. There is nothing else to do but talk, there is nothing else we want to do but talk. About feelings, about setbacks, about victories. About everything and nothing. About the future and the past. About the spiritual and the secular. About theology, and the body. We just talk.
Because going back to the Korean Dramas, there is something seriously wrong with that, dont you think? what could have been? Living life in the retrospective, in the imaginery "could have, should have, if only".Let me tell you something you already know. We only have the present to seize. What good is hindsight when you are only walking forward? What good is nostalgically reminiscing of how you are so close and yet so far apart? We are far apart, but together. There is distanced closeness. And if that is not romance, i really do not know what is.
And let me tell you something about romance: it is a hallmark of a thriving relationship. The general theory is that a relationship must go beyond feelings. First, lets not be simplistic- the theory does not mean that a relationship must get to a point where there are no feelings for the other. That is a non-relationship. It is indifference couched in many words. But if it means commitment and perseverance, i am all for it. Hey, it is a long-distance relationship, what else could it be if not commitment and perseverance?
Secondly, they say feelings come and feelings go- that is the basis of this theory. But that is precisely the point! If feelings can go, then surely they can come. Cultivate the atmosphere, it will. Now, when they always ask me "are there always so many things to talk about? so many lovely things to say?" Here is my simple reply.
It depends. Is your purpose to give a speech or to know a person? One is exhaustive another's not. One looks at how interesting you are, another looks at how interested you are. And i dont intend to be all deep and abstract here, but believe me, there is a huge difference between knowing about a person and knowing a person. One is asking for a resume, another is asking for a relationship. I asked for a relationship.
Of course there is a trade off in a long distance relationship. And the point of sharing with the elite few who read my blog, and the smaller number who are in relationships is this. Do consider a tiny attitude of gratitude, because what you experience everyday, I am going to only get a glimpse of, in about a month's time. So what i wouldnt give for what you currently take for granted. But also consider what you have traded off. There will always be, and i am not going to nag about that.
sweet
Saturday, September 11, 2010
♥ Saturday, September 11, 2010
This is by far the most shocking message you are ever going to read: contrary to popular belief, i am human. I do make mistakes. Okay, that is as far as the confession is going to go.
Actually, in my state of humble contrition, I probably have to carry on.
So what I did was to go against her expressed wishes not to call her at those hours of the night and interrupt her sleep. See, I went for a run only to see her ten missed calls and her final message that she was dead exhausted. But I thought perhaps there is that possibility she was still awake. So I took a gamble, and called.
And on the pissed off scale of 1 to 10, 1 being your average PMS "I'm not in the right mood" and 10 being... well, i rather not think about 10, she gave me a whopping 7. She didnt even bother verbalizing it. She merely gave me the finger- i mean, she merely indicated the number using her fingers- what were you thinking?
Honestly, I actually expected a 10. Desecrating the sacred altar of her subconscious with her house ring-tone is one of those cardinal sins that no man has ever gotten away unscathed. When she picked up the phone, it was as though the kitchen knife was on her other hand. In fact, I thought it was a 10 because that would be the volume of her voice over the phone. And that was when I called her.
When she called me, after being unable to fall back to sleep, I thought it was an 11.
So thank God for the rest she managed to finally get. Otherwise, she'd probably drown me in that bowl of milk together with the cornflakes she had this morning. Thank God for something else. I meant, someone else.
For a girlfriend who is incredibly sweet. That when she picked up the phone, it began with "dear". That she still wanted me to pray- our usual night prayers- albeit in a minute. That she wanted me to tell her the things that I'd usually romance her before sleeping. That when she called me back, it again began with "dear". Its like one of those scoldings that one parent gives the other and the other just sheepishly smiles. A hundred degrees celsius of anger and not a tinge of rejection.
That when I did feel like a dumbass for just about the entire night, the first thing she told me when she woke up was "dont beat yourself up". For a girlfriend who is incredibly sweet. Of course, I am not saying I need such moments to reveal this. But hey, who's to say that we can prevent them anyway right? when it comes, it comes. But of course, that is not what I am going to tell her :p
The Little Things
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
♥ Wednesday, August 18, 2010
After the movie, Zombieland, I do wonder how many of the bloggers have titled their entries as such. And if in the movie it was called "the simple things" and you are taking an issue with that- you are just being pedantic.
Speaking of which, it is absolutely interesting to note the amount of laughter that can be drawn out of simple words. Take "pedantic" for example. The first time I heard it was in a legal philosophy class, used by a professor on a student- obviously in an admonishment, of some sort. Then, Jean used it. And it was never the same again. Take another word, "score". The first time she used it, I laughed for about two minutes flat. I will never be the same with that word again. But to give her all that credit would be to swell what is already swollen, so we shall try to steer clear of that.
Before I talk about her, which would obviously be the highlight of today's entry, I'll make an announcement about the blog. This blog will remain a place for my own weird intellectual musings and feelings. But the more important notes will be left for facebook and emails, where I beg people to read by tagging them or having my initials pop up in their sacred mailboxes- hopefully not as a spam. This place, will be more like a journal entry of some sort. But it is not set in stone, I just might revert back to the blog to write on serious issues. Quoting Jean, "we see how".
And yes, without embarrassment or hesitation, this girl has become the quoted authority on quite a few matters- it is not just relationships, it is on God and religion, parents and families, psychology, acting...the list goes on. I am not too sure whether she would be peeved by the term "girl" - after all, the person who stares back in the mirror is some princess goddess from the land of the indescribably beautiful- but in Pontius Pilate's words, "what i have written, i have written". So "deal with it"- a reply I learnt from, guess who?
Why the "little" things? Well, because both of us are really, really, tired of "big", for starters- an ostensibly private joke. But seriously, you'd be surprised at the way the little things can really make a difference. Peanut butter on toasted bread can taste a tad better just by flipping in and laying the side with the spread on your tongue. On another note, try closing your eyes when you eat- trust me, it is a whole lot different. The little things.
Even more seriously, the little things can mean a lot. Take a phone call for example- who would have possibly thought that the essence of a commitment would come down to a phone call? Who would have known that the most unimportant decision of administrating a talk at church one day, could very well be the most significant one of a person's life? God is in the little things, I tell you.
If you still dont know anything about her, then this would be my fault. What does she do? She loves life and I mean all the bits and pieces about it. She just told me she actually discovered that she loves writing a report- either I am right, or she is just weird. Or maybe I am the weird one.
So you know what, maybe I am wrong and all these things are not that important. I am perhaps just blowing them out of proportion. Maybe whatever I said isnt funny either and I am crazy. But no worries, I am seeing a psychologist =)
