I think about Uni
Friday, April 21, 2006
♥ Friday, April 21, 2006
Thank You God. You made Your Miracle.
Im done with 32 Click. Have no idea how it would turn out. But i made it through, and all thanks and praise goes to You. Couldnt have done it without You, & You know it. :)
At this age, given certain opportunities to make applications to this uni, and that course, one really does goes through certain thought processes, asking the " is that what i want?", "do i see myself being like this someday?", " does God want me here?", "why do i really want this?" and the pondering perpetuates like a downward spiral.
Theres that thing about practicality. I.e, is there a market outside for me when i graduate? Is there a future? The talks about a bio hub, or Seletar airport convertin, does that sound like a somewhat good venture into biotechnology or aeronautical engineering? Behind it lies a deep sense of insecurity & longing for control- I've got to know that i will do alright. And yet, one understands the deep mystery of tomorrow, the inevitability of accidents, the unforseen strokes of 'luck', and it hits us: we just dont know. And we wont!
We walk each step with a certain calculation not to fall; but we do, dont we? The gravel of relationships rock a person's life so consistently, we all end up wondering whether we are really in love, or do we merely want to be. We want straight truths when we ourselves are the contradiction. We seek honesty and righteousness, & yet the most heinous lies are the actors and actresses that we are. Life's inconsistency, or its consistency to be inconsistent rather, is very much a dark beauty we have yet to behold.
So with that, we realise that we dont really know what we want. Do we? Is it for me? And if it is, did it stem from a certain inspiration? Do inspiration stem forth from needs? If tts the case, am i looking for something to fufil that need, or to camouflage it? Questions questions questions. Is there an answer? i dont believe its an answer that matters, i believe its
your answer that matters. Man i feel i sound like a christian pastor writing a bk.
There's smth else abt this thoughts about looking for a course and job. See, i believe when parents have in mind certain expectations of their children, they're trying to complete the lost part of themselves. I.e i din manage a gd education so i make sure my child have theirs, i suffered humiliation as a child; i'll make sure my child get his dignity. In that light, when i see it a rightful role to take on what my father expects, i see that as a right choice, and a morally liberating one.
Well, i guess it all stemmed from the fact i never knew what i really, really wanted.
P.s Descarte's 1st meditation that everything can be doubted? made things for me a tad worse:)
