how do i feel??
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
♥ Wednesday, April 25, 2007
AmbivalentThe past few days culminated in a climax yesterday night. Suddenly, there's a way out of all this. And i took it. Or rather, i will be taking it.
Yes, its SMU and i've serious reservations going there. But well, it offers something i've wanted to do longer than any of the other courses i gave thought to.
And lets jot down, what i did to prepare. Or how did my decision evolve as such?
Well, lets say its the arguments in army. The people really, i must give thanks to God for.
Nicholas Koh- uncompromising, insensitive and definitely straight to the point- thanks for the challenge to be quicker and more calm in dealing with situations.
Hau Tzeng- quick, philosophical and really stubborn- thanks for starting me on the steps of debate and discussion. I thoroughly enjoyed the sessions and realised that it was something i couldnt have done without.
Marcus Goh- a lover of generalisations- that i can constantly think twice about what you say, find loopholes and fallacies, and to challenge me to blow them out of proportion.
Nathaniel- patience, encouragement, resilience- i believe everytime we chat, it was always a discussion, never an argument. You made me understand how to have an opinion and stand by them. Is that what conviction is?
Thong Keng and Alex- the 2 most brilliant debaters i probably will ever know- thanks for always giving that fresh insight and pulling the intellectual rug off my insolent feet. Getting that air of brilliance, is both at once intimidating as well as challenging. And as much as i understand my colossal failure at evangelizing, your opinions and sharings were felt and kept.
These were the people. And of course a few more.
Then there was that system. That i tried to break and suffered the consequences that will forever be etched in the memories of my platoon mates. Unbelievably stupid actions that well, revealed the maverick rebel within. Of course, at that point in time, all i could think about was what a dumbass i was.
Then were the books and newspapers. The local issues, the economist, etc. Ideas thrown in different directions and propelled me from one illusion into antoher fantasy. It was an overwhelming experience, that i had to ask myself, where it would lead me.
Now, the friends!
' I think you like to analyse and dont like to have a specific answer for an issue. So *** might be a good thing for you'- Daniel Wong. Thanks bro. It kept me through.
'Personally, you're intellectually way above many i've met, and philophically you're past me... the key question is motivation and what we really want'- Samson. Im writing all this by hard. So its more than obvious the profound impact it had on me.
'personally, i dont really see you as a *** person, but if its somehting you really want, then God will grant you the grace to see you through...'- Evelyn. Thanks for the chat, and thanks for beating down my insecurities.
'i think you might enjoy ***'- Jude and Joshua. yeap, it was over badminton.
'i am thinking...why not?'-Shireen
These were the tiny encouragements which served a huge deal. And of course many many unsung heroes that deserve my applaud and sincere gratitude. Thank you. When i stopped believing in myself, it was you all that reminded me to.
Of course, there was family.
All the debates about anything minor, for the flamboyant use of language, for the excitement and involvement in any argument- thanks melv.
For the nudging and the cheering up, for the tiny quotations from "the pursuit of happyness"- "people cant do it themselves and they tell you you cant. you want something? Go GET IT'- thanks jie.
So, this was what got me started. And going. Thank you God. Soemhow, it all turned out alright.
But why ambilavent? Shouldnt it be delirious??
Well, my stupidity does take its toll on the things i do. And that has dire consequences. And im just so tired of making these mistakes and screwups. Time and again.
Its no longer an act of rebelliousness, but an act of nitwitism. The idiocy behind ignorance. The foolishness of indifference. The sheer vacancy of the mind, in such quixotic acts.
It scares the crap out of me really, that i have the potential to make such massive mistakes. And maybe in all of this, the one thing i can recall is St Paul's message of "to stop being from being too proud, i was given a thorn in the flesh. For this, i've pleaded with the lord 3 times, and He answered my grace is sufficient for you, my power is best in weakness". Its comforting, but well...it does demand a certain letting go la.
And so yes, its really a mixture of feelings. A monumental success on one hand, and a hiccup of insurmountable proportions on another. how does one feel, objectively, about that??
