Sunday, June 24, 2007
♥ Sunday, June 24, 2007
LOSS.I find it so difficult to share this, because of 2 things. 1) i have difficulties putting this feeling into words, and 2) because i guess its not easy to find someone out there who really listens. Today was a day with far too many clouds. I woke up feeling it all wrong. Maybe its the Israel war, Gaza strip conflict that i've been reading about. Maybe its about the suicide cases i chanced upon the day before. But something just didnt feel right.Mass was a struggle too. I told myself that it must be the empty stomach, just find some sugar, get a good breakfast, it will be alright. Halfway through the homily, Fr Ho came in. With an unusual, scratchy voice, the kind of voice you might have dealing with a shock, he said these words that tore me up. " Pray for this boy...His heart stopped. I am rushing to the hospital now."And nothing felt right anymore. This is the very little i know about him- Super athlete, probably from RJ, younger than me, and i might have facilitated in his confirmation camp before. And now he's gone. News like this come and go, and more often than not i stay sad for no longer than the duration of the announcement; but this one struck, like a hammer on a rod..with the resonance lingering through a long time after the hammer has stopped. And there's a crack, somewhere. The hammer hit on a nail, and it felt like underneath that nail was my heart. I have no idea where or what does it mean, but suddenly the day's no longer the same. I was in a rage when i saw the nonchalance in people's faces when they heard the news, when they reacted like it was just gossip, when we had to carry on and do what we had to do and when we had to conduct praise and worship. PRAISE AND WORSHIP??? What praise? to what purpose? for what? How can life go on so relentlessly and so heartlessly when a part, however small that part was, is no longer there?Is this grief? Yet i have no clue to who he is, or what he was like, what his favourite colours were or even who his parents is. But we will be acquainted. Yes, at the wake. Thats when the dead will meet the living, thats when i will start remembering and ask myself, 'have i spoken to him before?' 'what did i say?' 'what was his reply?'And no words can be enough, no hugs or no wreaths, no photos and no lamentation can be adequate in expressing this loss. "In memory of..." they say. The only memory i can have of you, if nothing else, is this post, and the way you sleep, as you rest in eternity. I wish i knew you.