the right one
Sunday, June 13, 2010
♥ Sunday, June 13, 2010
"In search of the one", an article published in the Catholic News, Jean discussed what relationships are and when a person's deemed ready to enter into a relationship. That article has reached and inspired many. The boyfriend intends, albeit in a slightly cosier setting of the small audience in this humble blog, to build up on this. The question i therefore ask, is " is this the right one?"
Considering the infancy of my relationship, i do not claim to call my answer exhaustive or absolute. My purpose, rather, is to throw up thought on relationships by sharing what i think are the essentials. The second agenda i no longer intend to keep hidden, is that I intend these writings to act as a reminder for me as well. The 3 areas i seek to highlight are as such: sharing similar principles, inspiring each other to the good, and being ready to receive.
Find someone who shares the same principles. Examples of principles Jean and I share are as such: loving means choosing the good for the other; family always first; commitment means discipline; no decision without dialogue; leave no argument unattended. etc. These are principles that you and your partner might already incorporate. I applaud and affirm you on them. Sharing similar principles are important for two reasons: first, it gives direction and shape to a relationship and secondly, it acts as a lubricant to the areas of a relationship that causes friction. The direction a relationship finds where both share the principle of choosing the good for another, just for example, is an environment where we feel protected and are therefore free to be ourselves. On the next point, friction although unpleasant, is necessary. Whats essential is that a couple moves deeper into the relationship through it rather than apart. Having same principles keep the right perspective in plain view. As such, whilst my parents can quarrel about which house is the most suitable, what perhaps resolved the dispute lay in the principle "family before self". Find someone who shares with you similar principles. And if you are already in a relationship- even better. Dialogue to search for the similar principles that not only do you two agree with, but are convicted by.
Find someone who inspires you to be good. One of the few things i recall from a vocation retreat years back is that a decision is judged by the fruits. Are these fruits of faith, hope and charity? Father Anthony Ho asked, "are these fruits good, are they long lasting, and do they glorify God?" Similarly, a partner (whether potential or existing) is assessed by the person that he or she allows us to become (or at least see ourselves become).
Such a person challenges us to see our own blessedness. This is because we find the confidence to love when we see ourselves as loved, first. In my reflections of what it means to be a gift to Jean, i realize that this is impossible unless I see within myself the good that i can give. The good i see within me, creates the conviction that i not only can identify the good in her, but can choose to give what is good within me to her. This is the journey of charity that i know i've embarked upon.
How do we know whether we are being "fruitful" in our relationships? Here, we see the wisdom behind Jean's 4th advice for couples- do not be exclusive. It is our friends and community that will be able to tell whether we are growing or simply changing. As such, ask for truthful observations from a loving community.
Find someone who is ready to receive. In a reflection on the scriptural verse " there is more happiness in giving than in receiving", Henri Nouwen wrote that where we choose to receive, we allow the other the happiness of giving. If you are ready to give, then the corollary of that, must be a partner who is ready to receive. Now there is a difference between this, and a person who is only there to receive. A person who is ready to receive, blesses the other when the gift is imperfect. Such a person is open to being surprised. A person who is only there to receive- makes criticisms as to why things couldnt be better. He wonders when is the next, better surprise going to be. I must admit to being the second person a long while ago. It was unsatisfying and exhausted the relationship. A person ready to receive, gives abundantly and freely. This is because such a person appreciates the value of a gift. And where we walk down the matrimonial path and decide to give ourselves, isnt the greatest joy having the other be ready to receive all that we are?
These are the 3 boxes to consider ticking in finding your right partner. If you are already in an existing relationship, I leave you these boxes to decide whether they are worthy of reflection. I do not think these are idealistic. I think they are aspirational. One's shrouded in naivete, another in hope. And I hope that this reflection brings joy to you as you encounter and discover love in all its many forms. And if you are single, I hope that this, if anything, allows you to think, more seriously, as to the kind of relationship you want to enter into.